Hi livejournal. I am going through what I would characterize as "growing pains." I've looked at my life and everything I've done: school, traveling, working, friends, and family. At first I thought I felt empty because I had peaked in 2008 (ie the best year of my life thus far). Now I'm thinking that I'm just transcending all of it. As I approach 25 (SHIT) I'm going to say goodbye to adolescence/young adulthood for good.
I don't want to say goodbye to my sullen-loner-angsty-whatever. I think it's just happening. It's like when you like a band and then you don't listen to them for a while and you listen to them again and you wonder what was so great about it in the first place. That happened to me with The Academy Is... and Bloc Party. Sad, but true.
I still don't like sitting on my ass in an office for 8 hours a day and I don't want to get married and start shooting out children. I think I'm just... growing up. Or something. I want a good job and a comfortable home and a group of friends. I want my life to be like Friends. I've never watched Friends, but I assume it's about single 20-somethings doing whatever in a city. That sounds like something I'd like to do.
I've been listening to "POWER" by Kanye West a lot lately. It's a really great song. People say it's tainted with Illuminati/Satanist imagery but I don't really see it or care. The song says to me that Kanye West is a character that conveys the egotistical asshole that people love and hate. It's not really him, but he feel so powerful because he can say whatever the hell he wants and people will still pay attention to him. He's amazed at how ridiculous pop culture is and he will continue to milk it as long as this act works for him. He thinks he is truly talented in other ways but because the entertainment industry works the way it does, he will ride the asshole waves until he's a burnt out nothing.
I forgot where I was going with that. I feel like I can relate to this song somehow. I feel like I live outside of the fringes of culture and I look in and understand it all, but I'm just not apart of it. That really doesn't make any sense. I'm going to be everything I was meant to be soon. You'll see.
About the growing pains - my heart aches. It always does, but this is a different kind of ache. It's nothing that watching hours of Supernatural can fill. It's nothing that crocheting or reading beer blogs will fill. Oh man, I don't even know if traveling will fill out. I am becoming someone else. I am different from the 22-year-old who announced she'd go to New Zealand. Fuck. Why didn't I anticipate that? I have a plane ticket. I don't know what's going to happen with that, to be honest. I banked on not being here after September but good God, maybe it's fear, maybe it's the uncertainty, but all of the sudden I want to change everything. EVERYTHING.
I am an idiot.
I just want to be a different person. I don't really want you to know me anymore. I even started fantasizing about leaving California, which sounds completely insane. I love California. I don't know where else I'd be. I could go anywhere. I'm free. But I just need to meet new people. Traveling won't be permanent. I don't know. I really want to travel. I really do. I want to go. But not like I thought. I feel like a ridiculous flake.
So it's 9:07PM and I have nothing else to do. I don't want to read any more fanfiction. I'm SO SICK of reading that. People suck at characterization and honestly, I think I've read all the best of SPN fanfic. I've been reading it since October - I've probably read a couple novels worth. I'm reading one where Dean stays a vampire (season 6!) and wants to turn Sam into one and it becomes some kind of weird sexual obsession (all of Dean's obsessions turn weirdly sexual and that's why I like him). Anyway, it's by this writer who everybody says is DA BEST in the fandom and she sucks. Like. Wow. She's written a whole lot. But everything I've started by her has been unreadable. Good for her for having a hobby, even if it is writing about brothers putting their peens in each others' poopers (yes, I ship Sam/Dean, don't judge me, Jared and Jensen are not really brothers IRL they're actually married to ladies but whatever I love them and I don't get Destiel because angels seem asexual and I can't imagine Castiel wanting to have sex with Dean although I can imagine Dean totally lusting over Castiel because, like I mentioned, every one of Dean's obsessions becomes weirdly sexual). And honestly, you can't ship them after like season 4 because they're so pissed at each other and it's just a mess. Reading this crazy incest shit makes me shudder, but I can't stop reading it. COULD YOU FUCK YOUR BROTHER? I couldn't. Could NOT. And what writers add in there, like when Dean calls Sam his baby brother and shit when they're fucking. WHAT. NOOOOOO. But I can't stop reading. It's all so hilariously wrong. And like I mentioned in the parenthesis, they are not related IRL (or fucking) and I don't read RPF (real people fic) because, as I also mentioned, they're married and whatever and I find it weird to make up sexy stories about two actors who are human beings with families and bills and hopes and dreams. The Supernatural fandom is a beast and I've seen the gates of hell through it (if you think incest is the worst thing a fandom can glorify, you are wrong, wrong wrong!) but luckily I won't dive in head first. Too fucking crazy. Thank you for putting up with my parenthesis abuse.
I started that paragraph to let you know that my upstairs neighbors are hanging out on the patio and having a good time and I'm fucking jealous because I'm so lonely. I don't even want this apartment anymore. It's not a bad place, it's just that I'm in the worst location ever. I'm an idiot for renting in Santa Clarita. I need to get out of here. Christ.
Well, I'm tired of writing this now. Here is the point: I'm a changin'. I just wish y'all would stop graduating and getting married and having babies because I'm nowhere near that. Not like I am dying to do that, I feel like I'm losing people to big life events. Soon enough, I won't have anything in common with anyone anymore.