the patron saint of mediocrity (brightbrowneyes) wrote,
the patron saint of mediocrity

Roadblocks + Frustrations

I've given myself a rest from planning my trip for a while because the logistics are driving me crazy. I'm a planner and a pessimist. When I have little control over what will happen, I tend to imagine the worst possible scenarios and talk myself out of it. Most of my worries stem from money and what I'm going to do after I'm done. If it was cheap to go to school, this wouldn't be an issue. Since I'm a pessimist, I'm afraid community colleges will be as expensive as the UCs were when I started college. I just won't have the money for that and taking loans out to take a few lower-level science classes seems ludicrous. Plus, I'm pretty sure I will blow my brains out if I have to move back in with my mom without any plan of leaving within a month or two. I just don't know.

Money sucks. Nobody has any but things seem to get more expensive by the day. What's the deal?

I also continue to be frustrated by my job. We got a new manager, which seems promising. Now my beef is working on the weekends. Everything happens on Saturdays and Sundays. I want to be apart of people's plans and go to festivals and parties but my schedule makes it impossible. After I go to Disney World, I'd like to go on a short trip to San Francisco or Vegas but what am I supposed to do on a Tuesday or Wednesday while I'm there? There's no point to planning anything anymore. I even tried to volunteer at Gentle Barn to get a little organic farming experience, but they told me it wouldn't work out when they needed me to show up for a few hours on a weekend and I asked them for an alternate day. It's hard enough having a life living in Santa Clarita...

I'm afraid I will do something to screw up if I don't get a move on. My brother was in a drunk driving accident recently and now he has about $25,000 in medical bills. He has to either sue his best friend or file bankruptcy. I don't want to lose my job or get involved in stupid Santa Clarita shit. Nor do I want to sit here wondering what to do next while missing golden opportunities elsewhere. I really need to develop some balls and just do something. I'm sure I'm going to have to push back the big trip to March-April due to financial constraints anyway. Things just aren't coming out right.

Yuck, I'm such a pessimist.

But something good has to happen. I'm not sure how much harder I can try. I suppose I can live by the old saying, "good things come to those who wait."
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