With this realization, I decided to live and let live. I've been trying so hard to resist my current situation, spent so many hours of my life stressing about "getting my life together" or whatever.
You know what? I have a home and more comforts than I can count. I have a premium satellite package. I have a little bit of money and I get to sleep on a couch in Santa Barbara every few weeks. My computer still works - I don't need a new one. Why do I take so many things for granted? Things will fall into place in due time. It's not like I have a fucking plan, anyway. I never really did.
Maybe life isn't as complicated as I thought it was. I was a history major because I liked history. I don't like my situation right now, but if I were doing something I liked, I would be happier. But I don't know what I like.
I mean, I do. But I don't know how to turn what I like into a career without going back and getting a second BA. And I'm so not doing that. Well, whatever it is, I'll figure it out at some point. I'm not planning to have kids or anything soon, so I've got time to just do whatever.
When I was in school, I always thought of myself as one of those type-a, go-get-it people, but in my heart, I know I'm not. I don't think I'm lazy either. Okay, maybe I am. I'll come out with it. My inner lazy is finally showing. But is doing things you like lazy? I was good at school because I liked it. And I liked school because I was good at it. Maybe I'm too lazy to find other things to like...?
So what does this have to do with the prickling sensation moving up and down my calves at this very moment? It seems as if I should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.